I was awaken by the sound and feeling of a loud POP! I knew what had just happened…AGAIN! Most pregnant women await that feeling and already have their bags packed for the hospital. The difference between me and them was that I was 4 months pregnant and this was my third unsuccessful pregnancy. With each miscarriage over the next nine years, seven in all, I died inside. I wanted to become a recluse and hide away in sorrow.
What was wrong with me? Why was it so easy for others to do something women have been doing for centuries?
We were ministers at a very fast paced ministry. Everything we went through was public knowledge. We were over many departments and had multiple responsibilities that kept us moving seven days a week. There was no time to grieve . No time to feel sorry for myself and no one to talk to.
After each miscarriage, I was encouraged by my leadership to jump back in within a week’s time and get on with business as usual. Never stopping to grieve. Never taking a moment to evaluate life.
It was a very painful time. I started to gain weight suppressing the pain. I went overboard to celebrate all those who were starting families. No one knew that I constantly cried. My husband didn’t know how to help. My faithfulness in the church began to waiver and dependability began to wane. The grief consumed my every thought and desperation to be a mom.
We built a new house and I designed a beautiful nursery that I sat in and cried for three years. Many years went by before I defiantly snatched back the time I felt robbed of to grieve. Fast forward eight years and six children (via adoption) later and I can say that I am happy. I was able to grieve the loss of my babies and gain perspective on God’s desire for my future as a mother. Becoming a mom to these six precious children who have experienced unspeakable trauma led to an advocacy for all children in need of families across the globe. I cannot imagine my life without them. I cannot imagine spending my time in any other way than to train and encourage parents who are raising kids who have experienced trauma. Giving voice to children in America and across the sea who have gotten lost between the cracks of society and become prey to those seeking crooked fortune. My passion is speaking up for them!
My 6 blessings were not meant to take the place of the seven I lost. Yes, I still cry. God gave me a mission that fills my heart to overflowing and dulls the pain significantly.
As ministers of the gospel, Christian leaders, authors, and speakers, it is our responsibility to allow those around us to grieve.
Jesus wept with those who were grieving.
Having faith does not mean you are immune to emotion. It does not mean that you lack faith in God because you take a moment to grieve. Give them, and yourself, that gift and time. Sometimes a person needs to back up to move forward.
Grief always comes before renewed life!
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Psalm 30:5b (KJV)
Is there an area of your life or a time in your life that is unresolved? Does it keep you from being the wife, mother, or leader you want to be?
By Karla Marie Williams
Wife to Tom
Mom of 6
1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Team Member
Speaker, Writer, and Advocate for Children in Need of Forever Families