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Tweak that Time Out so it Works

May 14, 2018 By Lori Wildenberg

Time-Outs are a waste of time. Don’t you think? I mean, have you found them to be a good learning tool? Have they been effective?

They weren’t for me, until I tweaked my approach, just a bit.

Most parents use Time-Outs. Conventional parenting philosophies encourage this. Yet most moms and dads say it doesn’t really help. If you are among the Parental Time-Outers, I’d like you to think about the technique from this perspective. Let’s say you desire to lose weight. (This must be on my mind with swim suit season upon us. Anyway….) A week later, you make the fatal decision to slide a chair over to the upper cupboard, step up, get on your tippy-toes and reach waaaaaaay back on the shelf to grab that creamy Symphony milk chocolate bar- which you hid from yourself and the kids the week before. (Tell me you do this, too.)

Part way through the sweet delight, you are caught red-handed. You are sternly told, “Go to your room and think about what you did wrong.” Next the amount of incarceration time is declared, “Stay in your room the exact number of minutes as your age!”

What would you be thinking about? Chocolate. The taste. Wanting more. Figuring out how to get another fix without getting caught.

And- the older you are the more time you have to dwell on these thoughts. HMMMM.

While focusing on the deed and the desert, the desire for chocolate would increase, wouldn’t it? Rather than figuring out how to avoid the temptation the NEED for it would be reinforced.

That’s what time out does.

It reinforces the very behavior the parent wants to extinguish.

So…put time-out in the penalty box and try this instead. (Click here to read the blog in its entirety over at loriwildenberg.com)

Lori Wildenberg has some exciting news! Her 5th book, Messy Parenting: Powerful and Practical Ways to Strengthen Family Connections is coming August 2018 from New Hope Publishers. (It is available for pre-order over at New Hope or on Amazon!) Lori is passionate about helping families create connections that last a lifetime. Her books and talks reflect her heart and mission. She meets parents where they are with her warmth, transparency, humor, and straight-forward faith-filled approach. Lori is a licensed parent and family educator, national speaker, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting. lead mentor mom for Moms Together (a Facebook Community Page), and a contributor to a number of online magazines: Crosswalk.com, The Mom Initiative, Life Notes Cafe, ChristianParenting.org, Just Between Us, and Her View from Home. Catch Lori’s practical and warm-hearted faith and family blog Eternal Moments every Monday. She is available for speaking, parenting workshops, and parent consulting and coaching. The Wildenbergs home is nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. A perfect day in Lori’s world is a hike with Tom–her hubby, five kids ( four plus one daughter-in-love) , and Murphy– the family labradoodle! Contact Lori at LoriWildenberg.com.

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Is it OK to Spank?

May 7, 2018 By Lori Wildenberg

One of the most common questions parents of young kids ask me is, “Do you recommend spanking?”
Depending on the group, they believe I will be a solid, “Absolutely.” Or a definite, “Never in a million years.”
Instead I answer with total conviction,”It depends.”
Okay, let me explain.
Click here to finish reading the post with the 5 qualifiers to decide if this approach is for you and 4 things that make spanking effective.

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How to Get Your Kids to Listen

April 30, 2018 By Lori Wildenberg

“Don’t even think about climbing on the shelves.”

Uh, oh.

Before you could say, “Monkey-bars,” the three-year-old turned into George, the curious one, and made it to the top of the rack.

He’d been doing a terrific job staying close to his mom while in the toy aisle of Target. He was doing so well I was ready to give the child a compliment and his mama a high-five. Just as my encouraging words were forming in my mouth, the mom’s voice broke the quiet with her declaration.

I wished I could have stopped her.

It was too late. But… I have a suggestion that will help you prevent moments like this with your young one. Before I give this all-time great tip, I’m going to ask you to close your eyes and describe what you see in your mind’s eye when you say the words, “Don’t stand on the slide.”

What did you see? If you are like hundreds of other parents, you will see a child standing on the slide. Hmmmm.

Interesting, huh?

Unfortunately, more often than not, we state the opposite of what we desire.

We always know the things we don’t want. In addition to that list, we have the history of our children’s behavior streaming through our brain.

We know each child’s propensity to react or act in a particular way. Here are a few common parental frustrations:

My kid is a yeller. I don’t want him screaming.

My daughter runs off. I don’t want her running away from me.

My son has to touch everything. I don’t want him to break something.

We’d all agree; these are behaviors to be avoided. However…Kids visualize what we say, minus the don’t.

To finish reading Lori’s blog and discover the way to help kids listen better click here.

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EASTER’s Comin’ ! Free Gift from 1C13P

March 19, 2018 By Lori Wildenberg

Friends,

This is an Easter gift from the 1st Corinthians 13 Parenting Ministry, your best resource site for parents and those who minister to moms and dads. We provide parent consulting and coaching, lead retreats, and hold conferences. 1C13P has a breadth and depth of parenting resources. Check us out and invite us to your church or school to support the moms and dads and grands in your community. Click here to access No Greater Love . Enjoy!

Happy Easter Week.

~Lori & Becky

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6 Ways to Help Your Child Deal with Tragedy

February 15, 2018 By Lori Wildenberg

Dear Friends,

It is hard to believe this type of article needs to be posted… again. Disbelief is the only word that applies to this most recent school shooting.

Churches, schools, movie theaters, sporting events all places where tragedy have occurred. Nothing is sacred. Evil touches everything. It loves to smear darkness over goodness.

Here are six recommendations parents can implement following a tragedy.

1. Turn off the television. It adds to the anxiety

2. Be calm and be present with your children. If your child is involved in sports or any other type of public event, their world may be shaken. They are looking to mom and dad to provide the security that has just been rocked. It is appropriate and good for your kids to see you are saddened by this but avoid showing BIG emotion.

3. Don’t feed the child’s fear, try to quell it. Maintain your normal routine but be sensitive. If your child is afraid make reasonable accommodations.

4. Be honest about the event but be wise in how much you share. You are the parent. You know your child best. Take his age and personality into consideration. Listen to his questions and answer what has been asked, avoid giving lots of detail. Listening is more important than talking.

5. If you can move your child to the place of helping others, he will be less likely to fearfully focus on his own situation.

6. Pray with your child. Take your concerns to the Lord.

Hang with your kids and hug your kids. They need your time and your affection. Mr. Rogers used to say, following a horrific event, look for the helpers. Focus on the good, compassion, and care that God’s people demonstrate in the midst of disaster.

Just between us parents, the awful truth is we can’t always keep our kids physically safe so we must make sure they are ready…spiritually ready. Invite Jesus into your home today.

For God so loved the world…

Florida, we are praying for you.

Shalom,
Lori

Lori Wildenberg
www.loriwildenberg.com
co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting with Becky Danielson
Wife to Tom, mom to 4 (plus one daughter in love)
Author of Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home
co-author of Raising Little Kids with BIG Love, Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love, Empowered Parents: Putting Faith First (Wildenberg & Danielson)

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How to Get More Bang from Your Book

November 16, 2016 By Tim Shoemaker

Readers,
Becky and I are excited to have author and speaker Tim Shoemaker join our 1C13P Team. We met Tim at the Colorado Christian Writers Conference a few years ago. (In fact, Tim is even one of our endorsers for Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love!) Today is his 1C13P writing debut. We know you will be bless by this dad’s (and granddad’s) wisdom, humility, and kind heart.
With faith, hope, and love,
Lori

What if you could get your kids—even teens—to voluntarily set their electronic devices aside for a solid fifteen minutes just so they could listen to you?

What if there was a way to take your kids on a pulse-pounding adventure—without putting them in any real danger?

Both are entirely possible when you read the right books aloud to your kids.

When our boys were growing up, I discovered the absolute joy of reading to them—even as they entered their teen years. Yes, kids need to read on their own. But if read a book to them occasionally you’ll likely enjoy the time as much as they do—and you’ll be there to help them process what they read.

Lets talk about some things that can make reading to your kids one of the highlights of this upcoming holiday season.

Pick a Time That Won’t Conflict with Their Plans

If you read to kids at bedtime you won’t be taking them from anything they planned to do. That means they’ll be less distracted. You’re giving them a little bonus time by reading to them past bedtime. They’ll like that. When you finish the chapter—and they beg you to read one more—be a pushover. They’ll like that, too.

Set the Mood

Create some atmosphere. When the lights are low there are less things in the room to distract kids—and it’s easier for them to drop into that story world. Use a flashlight or a glow stick from the dollar store so you can read in a darkened room.

Make it Fun

Read with expression, and do all the reading yourself. Asking the kids to read portions of the story aloud rips them out of the story world they’re in. That’s not the way to maximize the impact of a book. Let them kick back and get lost in the story. And for this brief moment in your day, don’t look at the clock—or your phone.

What if My Kids are All Different Ages?

Target your oldest kids when picking books to read. Stay with their interests. You’ve got less time with your older kids. And your older kids are closer to the more serious dangers in life. If excellent fiction can help readers make wise choices and develop good character, it’s pretty important to cater your book selection to your older kids. Include as many of the younger kids for the read aloud as would be appropriate for the book you’ve chosen. Read the younger kids a different book at a different time if you need to.

Choose the Right Books

Select books that will hold your kids attention—and pick something you’d love to read. You’ll be just as anxious to get back to the story as the kids. The Code of Silence series combines adventure, mystery, suspense, and maybe a little danger, too. The series teaches great morals and shows the importance of developing good character. It may be a good place to start. Ask your librarian for more suggestions.

This holiday season, do more than just pick up exciting books for your kids to read. Read aloud to them. Take them on that adventure. Talk with them about the things they’re learning from the book. That’s what I call getting more bang from your book.

When Jesus had finished saying these things,
the crowds were amazed at his teaching …
Matthew 7:28a

Jesus held people’s attention when he spoke—and many times he used stories. He embedded spiritual truth deep in the hearts of listeners as he did. Don’t you think you can do the same by reading great stories to your kids?

How to Get More Bang from Your Book @1C13P @TimShoemaker1 #parenting

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By Tim Shoemaker
Husband to Cheryl
Dad of three sons and two daughter-in-laws
Grandfather of five grandkids
1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Team Member
Author and Speaker

Click HERE to read more about Tim’s series, Code of Silence.

Register for the 2017 Kansas City HeartCORe Single Parent Conference January 21. Click HERE for more information and to register.

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3 Post-Election Peace Tips for Parents

November 14, 2016 By Jenny Dean Schmidt

We’ve seen an alarming rise in anger and hate in the wake of the 2016 Presidential Election. And, our children are feeling it.

Hate has paraded through the public arena: Some of Donald Trump’s rhetoric and causes were viewed as hateful, while some of Hillary Clinton’s positions and past scandals triggered electorate anger. Bottomline, before, during, and after the election both sides have been caught behaving badly.

Hate has silently stalked in private spaces: Family members refusing to speak to one another. Facebook friends unfriending each other. Spouses unable to speak to one another about their opposing candidates. I had one friend suggest she wasn’t sure “what” she would do if she found out I voted for Trump. This election threatened families and friendships alike.

I can’t believe I’m recommending this, but, perhaps, we should all consider Lady Gaga’s recent advice. Gaga exhorted Hillary supporters at an election eve rally: “…we do not need to hate his followers. If we are true, true Americans, then we must go from viewing his followers as our adversaries to viewing them as our allies.”

Perhaps, we should all consider Lady Gaga’s recent advice regarding our attitude. @ChannelMom @1C13P

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She’s right to remind us that we’re all Americans. And beyond Lady Gaga’s admonition, I would send out a clarion call to Christians and Christian parents —Let’s set the example for how we treat those who hate us, threaten us, or persecute us.

3 Post-Election Peace Tips for Parents:

1) Hurt people hurt people: This old adage rings true. When a person hurts you, the pain they inflict might be traced back to pain inflicted upon them. I often repeat this phrase to my own kids when someone upsets them. Together, we picture their offender’s situation and can often deduce what caused them to lash out from a place of pain. This process makes it much easier for my kids to forgive. In fact, this kind of forgiveness was offered by Christ in his final hours: “Then Jesus said: ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing'” (Luke 23:34). I think many people don’t recognize the hurt they inflict or what causes it. Translate this process into the election. Whether we felt hate toward Hillary or Trump, whether we felt anger over their pasts or positions, whether we felt hurt by the people who supported them, we will only heal as we seek to move past the hate, anger and hurt feelings. Moving past those feelings to forgiveness could save families, friendships, and our nation. We’re called to forgive people not positions. (I’m not suggesting we let go of our political convictions but rather let go of hate provoked by opposing convictions.)

2) Expect persecution and bless people anyway: I believe it was John Lydgate who said: “You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” I am one of those people who’d like all people to like me all of the time. Not gonna happen. I think most kids want everyone to like them too, but that’s not gonna happen either. I think we need to help our kids accept this imbalance. We can promise them God will always love them. We can assure them our parental love will never die. But, we should warn them that some people won’t like them, no matter how fabulous they are. And, we must even teach them to love in the face of hate. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus says: “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Or, you can go one audacious step further and “Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them” (Romans 12:14). It will not come easily, but we must teach these concepts to our children. They will shine for God the more they stand out from the rest of the world, choosing love over hate and blessing over cursing, amidst this post-election turmoil.

3) Humility matters: Humility is not a popular trait. It’s not encouraged in our public arena. It’s not associated with our celebrities. It’s not embraced in the political arena or the corporate power structure. But, humility matters. Humility draws people together.

And, deep down, people know it. Why do you think so many point to the story of Jesus washing his disciples’ feet? They understand the humility that Christ shows here sets the example. Humility displayed for the sake of dirty feet reveals a love unrivaled. So, teach your children Philippians 2:3-4: “…don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”

One final scripture points to a wise reaction to the 2016 election:

It is God’s will that your honorable lives should silence those ignorant people who make foolish accusations against you.
For you are free, yet, you are God’s slaves, so don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil.”
1 Peter 2:15-16

Which of these scriptures can you use in your family to bring post-election peace?

3 Post-Election Peace Tips for Parents and Kids @1C13P #parenting @ChannelMom

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By Jenny Dean Schmidt
Wife to Mike
Mother of two teenagers, Otis and Georgia
1 Corinthians 13 Team Member
Executive Director, ChannelMom Media & Outreach and Host of ChannelMom Radio on 94.7 KRKS FM in Denver and podcast and YouTube channel. Also at channelmom.com.

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3 Moms Who Made a Perfectly Imperfect Pact

August 2, 2016 By Lori Wildenberg

We made a pact. A perfectly imperfect pact.

Laura, Lisa, and I (Lori) agreed we would never no never straighten up before a scheduled play date.

When we made our promise, Laura and Lisa each had a one-year-old son, I had a three-year-old girl and and an one-year-old boy. Laura lived across the street and Lisa lived next door to me.

This was the all time most freeing agreement we could of made. Because there was no pressure regarding home presentation.We got together –a lot. We even felt comfortable with impromptu gatherings. The disarray of our homes with littles was A-OKAY. The other homes’ organizational flaws were actually welcome because it kept the burden of tidiness at bay.

There was no pressure to be Pinterest perfect or Facebook flawless. We settled into perfectly imperfect mode.

Over the course of five years, Lisa added another son, Laura’s family increased with twin girls, and I had boosted my number to four by having two more daughters. Our families changed but our pact did not.

Our families changed but our pact did not. #parenting @1C13P @loriwildenberg

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Friendships for stay-at-home moms of littles is critical. Feelings of loneliness and discontent is common among young moms. With family ties being stretched across this great nation of ours, we need friends.

Tom and I moved from Minnesota to San Diego when we had two little ones. That meant I needed to quit my teaching job and leave my extended family.

Let me tell you, Southern California feels like a different world to a born and bred Minnesota girl.

Street signs were in Spanish. I speak “Minnesotan”.

The land of 10,000 misquotes was replaced with termite territory.

Tornadoes absent. Earthquakes present.

And…I had my fun-loving neighbors to laugh with me and help me through it.

Laura and Lisa are sisters. They included my family in their family gatherings. They opened their perfectly imperfect homes to me and my gang. And more importantly they shared their lives life with us. I am forever grateful for their love and hospitality.

Relationships are the stuff life is made of. They are places to share celebrations and sadness.

Friendships help us take care of ourselves and our families. We really do get by with a little help from our friends.

So if you are in a place of loneliness and isolation, reach out. Don’t wait. Be proactive in “getting the party started.”

If you are in a place of loneliness and isolation____ @1C3P #parenting @loriwildenberg

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We are created for community.

Two are better than one.
Ecclesiastes 4:9a

What do you do to encourage new friendships?
Lori Wildenberg
Wife to Tom, mom of 4 plus one daughter in-love
Co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, author, and speaker
Lori is currently scheduling for the 2016-17 school year. Contact her for your next event.

If you liked this post you may want to check out Lori & Becky’s books at the 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Store (the proceeds from the sales of books, t-shirts, jewelry, and other gift items goes to support the 1C13P ministry.

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3 Keys to Raising Kids Who Enjoy Giving

December 21, 2015 By Kirk Weaver

My first allowance was 25¢ a week. (I know… I’m old!)

From the first quarter I received, my parents taught me to give 5¢ to the church. Using the Old Testament tithe as a guideline, my parents taught me to give the first 10% to God. Because of that early training, I never thought of spending “God’s” portion. I learned to base my candy and toy purchases on 90%.

Later, I learned about giving “offerings” above and beyond the 10% tithe. Still later I learned the New Testament guideline of giving generously. As an American in 2015—perhaps the most affluent country and time in the history of mankind—the commandment to give generously continues to be a challenge!

In my 20’s, I was challenged to recognize that God owns 100%, not just 10%. Every financial decision is a stewardship decision.

Every financial decision is a stewardship decision. @FamtimeTraining #1C13P #RaisingKids #Christmas

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Giving is a learned discipline that leads to immeasurable blessing in the life of the giver! The joy of giving in my life began with the intentional teaching by my parents and was nurtured by other Christian financial advisors along the way.

Giving is a learned discipline that leads to immeasurable blessing. @FamtimeTraining #1C13P

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Here are three methods for raising children who enjoy giving:

Model Giving: Talk with your children about the who, what, where, when, why and how of your giving.
Activity idea: Take turns letting your children put the family’s gift into the offering plate at church.

Teach Giving: For teens, make Crown Ministry or Financial Peace University training mandatory! If they have a job then they need to understand budgets, balance a checkbook, manage debt and use money to help others.
Activity idea: Teach children to give part of their allowance or money they earn to the church, missionary or other worthy ministry. Focus on the needs of the recipient, not on what the child is giving up.

Experience Giving: Consider sending teens on a church mission trip. Personally deliver meals to friends who are sick, serve food at the homeless shelter or take toys to a residential treatment center for children.
Activity idea: Invite a missionary or someone who has been on a mission’s trip over to your home. Ask them to use pictures and videos to help your children visualize life and needs in other countries.

Why is it Important to Raise Givers?

Giving is important to Jesus. He calls us to be givers. The Bible includes 500 verses on prayer and 500 verses on faith but more than 2,000 verses on money and possessions.

When we teach our children to give, we bless them:

“Test me in (giving),” says the Lord Almighty,
“and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven
and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.”
Malachi 3:10

Will we raise generous givers who impact the world for Christ?

When we teach our children to give, we bless them. @FamtimeTraining #1C13P #RaisingKids

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By Kirk Weaver
Husband to Trudi
Dad to two
1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Team Member
Founder and Executive Director of Family Time Training

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The bad dream is in there.

April 22, 2015 By Lori Wildenberg

“The bad dream is in there.”

The three-year-old refused to go into his room, day or night, because,“The bad dream is in there.”

He was terrified and his mom was worried. This had gone on for six months.

During a Facebook conversation, the mom and I did some nightmare blasting.

The “bad dream” had to be removed.

The “bad dream” had to be removed. #1C13P #RaisingKids

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When my son was ten, Tom and I had a neighbor who had behaved in a threatening way toward the family. This began the a time of fearful and sleepless nights for our son. Tom and I were concerned for him. We prayed for an answer on how to help our child.

I shared this with my Bible study buddies. One woman had a similar experience but she was the dreamer.

She believed this was a spiritual attack. She told me how she read from Psalms in every room, the verses in scripture where fear was defeated with faith and God’s victory is proclaimed. Then she anointed all the doorways and windows with olive oil, to represent the Holy Spirit.

I picked my boy up from school and we followed the plan. He felt settled. More content. But…as night rolled around fear began to creep in.

But…as night rolled around fear began to creep in. #1C13P #RaisingKids

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Tom went into our ten-year-old’s room and said, “You have done your part. Now trust God to do His.”

That night fear was replaced by faith.

That night fear was replaced by faith. #RaisingKids #1C13P

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Now for a three-year-old that approach needs some age adjusting. Here are the five things I recommended to the anxious mom:

1. On her own go into her boy’s room and read the same type of verses and anoint the room.

2. Go to the store (or maybe just the linen closet) with your child and get some Bad Dream BeGone (Fabreeze^®) off the shelf.

3. Pray with your child. Pray an Armor of God prayer: “Lord, I pray that Gavin is strong in you and your mighty power.”

4. Have your child wear Armor of God (new jammies) to bed.

5. Before climbing into bed, spray the Bad Dream BeGone in the closet, under the bed, etc. Let the child be the sprayer. The spray repels and chases away the bad dreams.

It’s possible you may need expand this to more trust training. Here are a few ideas:

Just like your child trusts you to catch him when he jumps into your arms. God will be there to take care of him while he sleeps. Have your child jump, you catch him and say, “God is with you, just like I am.”
Watch the Vegie Tales DVD: God is Bigger than the Boogie Man.
Be mindful of the shows your sensitive child watches on “the screen.”

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, Lord,
make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8

What ideas have you used to help your child chase away the bad dreams?

Lori Wildenberg
Wife to Tom, mom of four
Co-founder of 1 Corinthians13Parenting
author, speaker, parent consultant/coach

If you liked this blog you may want to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love. It is filled with practical solutions to everyday issues with little ones (toddler- 9).

HeartCORe Parenting Conference
Calvary Church
Denver

May 9, 2015
Go to Calvary’s website to register.
Watch for the conference slider at the top of the site and then click to register.

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Register for the 2017 Kansas City HeartCORe Single Parent Conference January 21. Click HERE for more information and to register.

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