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3 Tips for Reducing Holiday Stress in Children

November 7, 2016 By Debra Jones

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Many adoptive and foster parents are beginning to wonder how they will get through this holiday season. For children who come from backgrounds of abandonment, abuse, grief and loss, exposure to prenatal substances, or trauma, the holidays can bring many challenges. School parties, church programs, family gatherings, an over packed schedule, sugary treats, and sensory overload can all contribute to behavioral dysregulation in children who have experienced early harm.

Children may have conflicting feelings and triggers from past holiday memories with their biological families. Even children who came home as infants often experience a deep sense of loss and many unanswered questions about their own histories. Internationally adopted children may long for the traditions and culture of their former country.

The ideas shared in this post are largely from a model called Trust-Based Relational Intervention®, developed by the late Dr. Karyn Purvis and her colleague, Dr. David Cross, from The Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University.

How do we connect with our children, as they seem to be spinning out of control with the grief, anticipation, and excitement of the holidays?

First, we must remain mindful of how painful the holidays can be for our children. This is not the time to tell them how grateful they should be. They’ve experienced tremendous loss that is triggered by all the family togetherness. In order to truly be emotionally present, we can’t overcrowd our schedules so that we allow time for talking with and comforting our children. It may mean we can’t make as many homemade goodies or go as extravagant with the Christmas decorations. We have to intentionally put the relationship before the tasks – easier said than done, I know….

Second, we have to be proactive in practicing the skills they will need for family gatherings and parties. Help them learn what to say if they don’t want to participate in an activity or if they aren’t comfortable hugging Uncle Fred. It is important that we give them a voice and not force them to be hugged by someone they don’t know well. Practice and role-play strategies for calming down when they first feel stressed. Deep breathing and deep pressure such as wall push-ups, chair pull-ups, a firm back rub, or squeezing a stress ball help to calm the central nervous system.

Third, try to keep structure in place such as bedtime routines, schedules, family meals, snacks, sensory activities, and quiet times. When going to a holiday gathering, make it predictable letting the child know what to expect so that she feels safe. Anticipate potential issues and have a plan. For example, come up with a hand signal for your child to use if he is feeling overwhelmed and needs a walk or a break from an over-stimulating event. Share in your child’s joy and laughter as well as the pain and loss.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15

How can you help make the holidays easier for your family? 

3 Tips for Reducing #Holiday #Stress in Children @1C13P @parent_trainer #Thanksgiving #Christmas

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Deb JonesBy Debra Delulio Jones, M.Ed.
Wife of Alan Jones
Mom of one biological daughter and one adopted son
1 Corinthians 13 Team Member
Founder and Director of Parent Intervention & Training

Debra’s book is available on the Parent Intervention & Training website.
Debra Jones

Join Becky Danielson, Matt Haviland, Misty Honnold, and Lori Wildenberg at the 2017 Kansas City HeartCORe Single Parent Conference January 21. Click HERE for more information and to register.

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Filed Under: Adoption, Home & Holidays Tagged With: adoption, Debra Delulio Jones, foster care, holidays, routine, trauma

To Say Yes, We Have to Learn to Say No

May 2, 2016 By Debra Jones

To Say Yes, We Have to Learn to Say NoDo you ever feel like a million demands are coming your way as a parent? Alas, you realize it’s ten days ‘til a major holiday and you have no idea what your family is doing, but you’re pretty sure it should involve you. To top it off, some brown-eyed, “been there/done that,” passionate TBRI® parent trainer comes at you with, “It’s important for you to give your child the hundred thousand yeses he missed in the first two years of life.” TBRI® is the Trust-Based Relational Intervention® parenting model developed by the late Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross at the Texas Christian University Institute of Child Development.

I love teaching TBRI®.

I’m actually kind of a nerd about it. I believe it’s not just a great parenting model for high-risk kids, but for all parents who want to practice a structured and relational attachment-rich model of parenting. I could talk all day about the nuts and bolts of Trust-Based Parenting and I actually do—quite often. 

Practice this structured and relational attachment-rich model of #parenting. @parent_trainer @1C13P…

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But one of the most often asked questions is not about the nuts and bolts of TBRI®, but about how I kept on keeping on. How do you have the stamina to keep giving yeses day after day, month after month, and for many of us, year after year? For me, the challenges of parenting a high-risk, fetal alcohol impaired young man meant changes in me. Drastic changes. Lifelong changes. Changes that did not come easily for this strong-willed, over-achiever type personality. And from being in the trenches with many on you, I realize I am not alone.

I had to learn to say no in order to say yes. Saying yes to sensory play with my child, connecting with him, meant saying no to folding the laundry. Saying yes to a bike ride in the park meant saying no to chatting on the phone with my best friend. Saying yes to the twentieth request to build a fort with all the living room furniture and every blanket we owned meant saying no to my concern about how long it would take to put it all away. 

I had to learn to say no in order to say yes. @parent_trainer @1C13P #RaisingKids

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Saying yes means letting go. Saying yes means we may have to learn to be better at delegating tasks. It may mean we have to hire help with the weekly chores and even daily responsibilities. It could mean we have to let some of our friends and ministries say yes to us, rather than pretending this journey hasn’t turned our world upside down. 

Saying yes means letting go. #RaisingKids #Adoption @parent_trainer @1C13P

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How can we use our supply of yeses wisely?

If we say yes to making six dozen individually decorated Oreo cookie/colored licorice feather turkey treats for the second graders, can we say yes to a child who is still afraid to sleep alone? If we say yes to holding a friend’s hand through a long and painful divorce, can we say yes to our children who are losing patience with yet another sibling meltdown? If we can say yes to leading a new ministry at church—even one we have the experience and skill set for, can we say yes to meeting the ongoing and multiple needs of a child with sensory processing disorder?

Saying no is not easy. Some will understand; some won’t. But saying yes today to our children can give birth to the skills they will need for many tomorrows.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test,
that person will receive the crown of life that the
Lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

What ideas can you share that have helped you manage your supply of yesses?

Deb JonesBy Debra Delulio Jones, M.Ed.
Wife of Alan Jones
Mom of one biological daughter and one adopted son
1 Corinthians 13 Team Member
Founder and Director of Parent Intervention & Training

 

Debra’s book is available on the Parent Intervention & Training website.
Debra Jones

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Filed Under: Adoption, Special Needs Tagged With: adoption, Debra Delulio Jones, fetal alcohol syndrome, no, special needs, TBRI, yes

Overwhelmed? You are Not Enough But God Is

September 23, 2015 By Debra Jones

Overwhelmed? You are Not Enough But God IsOverwhelmed. It’s one of my least favorite emotions. The one that really gets me and brings out the parts of me I hate to admit are even there. It reminds me of my still sometimes oh-ye-of-little-faith-ness. It’s the gut-sick feeling that screams, “You are not enough!”

OVERWHELMED…reminds me of my “oh-ye-of-little-faith-ness”. @PACTparenting #1C13P

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Once again I’m wrestling this faithless liar of shame that seems to personify itself with taunting and causes toxic thoughts to swirl in my head. I know I am not alone as I hear of parents’ struggles.

All parents wrestle with overwhelming thoughts regarding their children at some point, but let’s face it….on a parenting journey with a high-risk adopted child, the needs are huge and we can only do so much. We can build trust. We can empower their bodies and brains to work in a healthier manner. We can correct with connecting strategies. We can seek professionals in areas of learning, attachment, neurochemistry, and sensory processing. For more information on any of these strategies, check out the Trust-Based Relational Intervention® model that was so helpful for us.

But the harsh reality, with trauma and organic brain damage is that we can’t fix everything. God directs our steps and leads us to answers, but it can still feel like there is so much more we need to know, do, or be to help our children heal.

Many parents that we work with are so overwhelmed. They get so much conflicting parenting advice, particularly concerning the severe and confusing maladaptive behavior strategies their children use as a means of survival. The acronyms alone in the special education, therapeutic, and medical fields are enough to make you run hide. Do these labels define our children? No. There is a real boy or a real girl in there who longs to fit into a forever family.

Even as we trust God, the unanswered questions list often outweighs the answers list. The answer is sometimes that we have to wait or we have to accept or we have to grieve significant losses on this journey.

We work hard to teach our children to trust us, and our heavenly Father longs for us to trust Him fully with every aspect of this journey. Commit to just doing the next right thing and trust God with all the rest. Because He is enough!

A new definition pops in my head: Overwhelm– the distance between what I can do and what I can learn to entrust to my Abba Father.

Overwhelm–the distance between what I can do and what I can learn to entrust to my Abba Father….

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He is the One who can calm me. He is the One who sends an encourager just when I need it most. He sees all the brokenness we so desperately want to be healed. The more I can learn to trust, truly trust at the first hint of overwhelming feelings, the more I can be fully emotionally present to parent in a connected way.

Keep trusting, keep loving, keep up healthy self-care, and keep saying no to those feelings of overwhelm that can consume us.

When my spirit was overwhelmed within me.
You knew my path.
Psalm 142:3a

What is it that helps you most when feeling overwhelmed on a tough parenting journey?

What helps you most when feeling overwhelmed on a tough parenting journey?@PACTparenting #1C13P

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Deb JonesBy Debra Delulio Jones, M.Ed.
Wife of Alan Jones, Mom of one biological daughter, one adopted son
1 Corinthians 13 Team Member
Parenting Adoptees Can Trust Director

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Filed Under: Adoption, Adversity, Faith Tagged With: adoption, Deb Jones, high-risk, trust, trust-based

My Search to Find a Trust-Based Daddy

June 15, 2015 By Alan Jones

My Search to Find A Trust-Based DaddyMy wife Debbie and I were blessed to adopt our son, Dane, in 1991 from a Romanian orphanage. At the time though, we had no idea of how difficult raising Dane would be. We believed that if we gave this little fellow enough love, any problems of him being underdeveloped would be overcome.

After all, love conquers all, doesn’t it?

Dane’s problems were much deeper than we could know at the time. Fetal alcohol syndrome caused significant developmental delays. By the age of two, he was raging, by the age of four, he tried to throw himself out of a moving vehicle on the highway. Debbie and I could not understand the fear and pain that were being manifested in this little boy that we loved so. 

After all, love conquers all, doesn’t it? #1C13P #RaisingKids #Adoption @PACTparenting

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These maladaptive behaviors went on for years, despite our attempts to look to every professional we possibly could to find answers.

At the age of eleven, Dane went to a specialized camp, Hope Connection, at Texas Christian University. The director of the Institute, Dr. Karyn Purvis, initiated a home program for Dane as a last resort to keep Dane out of residential placement. The parenting model that was shown us has become known as Trust Based Relational Intervention, or TBRI®. Using this model, we helped Dane make significant improvement in his behavior. Before this intervention, Dane was dysregulated about ninety percent of the time. Within four months, he was dysregulated about ten percent of the time. Our family unit had been saved!

Trust Based Relational Intervention #Adoption #1C13P @PACTparenting

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This story is about me though. I came from a very dysfunctional family. My father had left the home before I was born, and I had been raised by a loving aunt and uncle. Yet, it was a topsy-turvy family where I was left to make my own rules growing up. These issues were brought into the relationship when Debbie and I married. I had difficulty connecting emotionally, and typically used a very authoritarian parenting style with our children. I had learned the strategies of TBRI®, had a great head knowledge of them, but found it very difficult to employ them consistently on a daily basis.

Infant and adult attachment through TBRI®! #adoption #RaisingKids #1C13P @PACTparenting

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Debbie and I had learned a great deal about infant and adult attachment through TBRI®. Through counseling, I learned also that my own fear and pain from my own attachment issues were triggered by Dane’s fear and pain. To the dads out there, let me say that what I did changed my world forever for the better.  I owned my own attachment history, made sense of it, gave forgiveness where it was needed, and freed myself from old shackles. For a great DVD on attachment check out, Attachment: Why It Matters from the TCU Institute of Child Development. I was able to become the trust-based daddy and husband that my family so deserved. Won’t you dads do the same? 

How I became a trust-based daddy and husband my family deserved by Alan Jones,@PACTparenting….

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There is a scripture that means so much to Debbie and me in this journey. It is from Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” I pray this for my family and yours as well.

Alan JonesBy Alan Jones
Husband of Debra, Dad of one biological daughter, one adopted son
1 Corinthians 13 Team Member
Parenting Adoptees Can Trust (PACT)

 

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Filed Under: Adoption, Just for Dad, Parenting Tagged With: adopt, adoption, Alan Jones, fetal alcohol syndrome, Karen Purvis, trust-based

Parents, ever had a flipped lid moment?

April 14, 2015 By Debra Jones

flipped lidEver feel like the challenging behaviors of your adoptive family have driven you to the brink?

Brink of what? You aren’t sure, but you know it’s not good….

As I was teaching adoptive and foster parents about the effects of trauma on their high-risk children and discussing the limbic system and the triggers of fear and pain, a dad said to me, “But what about my brain? I have a limbic brain too that gets triggered!”

How do you deal with your own limbic brain and emotional triggers in the midst of a child yelling, screaming, threatening, lying, controlling, name-calling, arguing, fighting, running away, trashing your home, refusing to comply, etc.? Especially if it’s like the millionth time that day?

Indeed, this is the hardest part of my journey as a parent of an adopted son who suffered brain impairment from his early history. It is the biggest issue among the parents I coach and train. And it is humbling beyond words to work so hard to help a child and then flip your lid, knowing you have once again stumbled in building “felt safety” in your child. (If this limbic system language is new info. for you, check out Dr. Dan Siegel’s clip on the “flip your lid” model of the brain.)

With the understanding that we have to pull ourselves together (get that flipped lid down) and use our own prefrontal cortex to calm the reactive limbic system, we can think clearly again and work rationally with our children rather than scare the living daylights out of them!

It takes tremendous self-awareness. It takes being very intentional and deliberate about understanding your own triggers.

For example, why does lying get to you? Or why does disrespectful body language or a sassy mouth drive you crazy? Or any number of other things that are common in kiddos who are in total survival mode and have an underdeveloped upstairs brain. You must explore your own history in order to deal with your own re-activity. One of my favorite quotes (that I don’t know where it originated) to help me in this area is, “Emotional re-activity is a sign of unfinished business.” 

You must explore your own history in order to deal with your own re-activity.

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Let’s flesh this out with the example of lying. If lying is my “hot button,” why is that such a big issue for me? Did someone lie to me in my childhood? Was I harmed by lies? What did I feel in the midst of the lying behavior? Have I dealt with these feelings and processed them in a healthy way? Am I harboring bitterness or unforgiveness that is taking up mental real estate in my own brain?

What can I do to recognize that when my child lies, it is not about me?

Time to get out my Q TIP – Quit Taking It Personally. 

Time to get out my Q TIP – Quit Taking It Personally. #1C13P

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Lying is a survival strategy that many kids from hard places use to self-protect, so how can I look at this as an underlying need in my child that is driven by fear and pain? To be sure, it needs to be corrected, as it will not build healthy relationships for him now or in his future. But it must be corrected and we must teach the skills of being honest only when the child is fully emotionally present and operating in his upstairs brain. And we can only teach this when we, as parents, stay connected and in our upstairs brains.

Simple as that? Hardly!

It is hard work to be this mindful. It takes lots of practice. It takes time. It takes building ourselves a healthier brain, just as we are working to build our child a healthier brain. It is definitely a marathon and not a sprint!

So what can you do in the moment when you have lost your mind?

What can you do in the moment when you have lost your mind? #1C13P #RaisingKids

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We must learn to use the calming strategies on ourselves like deep breathing, some movement such as a brisk walk, deep pressure that is calming to the central nervous system, or talking to a safe person about our feelings.

And we have to practice good self-care as these “flip your lid” moments will be frequent if you are not getting rest, exercise, good nutrition/hydration, and some down time to playfully enjoy your life and relationships. I know you don’t have time, but you have to make time. I had to learn to make self-care a priority, but sometimes I still slip and that is when I am likely to make the most parenting mistakes. And when I do, it’s my job to re-evaluate what I can do to get my life back in balance.

We basically have to realize that in order to successfully use TBRI® (Trust-Based Relational Intervention developed by Karen Purvis) with our children, we have to give ourselves some grace and apply the same TBRI® principles to ourselves and to our spouses. Although I’d be careful about asking for a redo or correcting your spouse’s behavior! That will not set well and don’t ask me how I know this!!!

Here’s some wisdom from Dr. Purvis with some tips on dealing with your own stuff if you have interest.

How do you tame your own limbic system?

P.S. Be sure to apologize, repair, and reconnect after a flipped lid moment.

 The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome,
but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged….

2 Timothy 2:24 (NASB)

Deb JonesBy Debra Delulio Jones, M.Ed.
Wife of Alan Jones, Mom of one biological daughter, one adopted son
1 Corinthians 13 Team Member
Parenting Adoptees Can Trust (PACT) Director

 

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Watch for the conference slider at the top of the site and then click to register.
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Register TODAY! HeartCORe Parenting Conference Denver May 9, 2015 #1C13P #RaisingKids

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Filed Under: Adoption, Adversity, Parenting Tagged With: adoption, anger, Deb Jones, emotional triggers, flipped-lid, Karen Purvis, limbic, TBRI

What Do I Want My Kids to Remember About Christmas?

December 11, 2014 By KarlaWilliams

What Do I Want My Kids to Remember About Christmas?Rock’em Sock’em Robot $19.99.
The hottest tablet $299.99.
Mine Craft Lego Set $59.00.
Lego Friends Mall $109.99.
Barbie Dream House $129.99.
Time together as a family, PRICELESS!

What do I want my kids to remember about this Christmas and all the Christmases to come? I cannot be the only mom that envisions huge family gatherings twenty years in the future where all the kids are present and they begin to remember their childhood with laughter and sentiment. 

What do I want my kids to remember about this Christmas and all the Christmases to come? #1C13P

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Last year was my first year as a mom of six after adopting three more children. I went all out. Ok, let’s be honest, I LOST my mind. I had to make them feel welcome. I had to make it even so they felt everything was fair. I had to give similar gifts in size and number so everyone felt loved and valued, right?

By February, just about every toy, robot, racing set, and remote control car was either broken, lost or goes completely untouched. (I think Legos are the best investment I have ever made for my six kids. They are the only thing they continually play with years after purchase.)

Why? Why do we do this? Not just me, all of us. Why do we race to beat the clock for the best deals, gadgets, and gizmos and all our kids want more than anything is US?

They want us! That is what I want my kids to remember about Christmas and their entire childhood. That their parents adored them and were always present. Not just in their lives or in the room, but fully present. So I have wised up a bit. My plans for this Christmas will include a few things I know my children will treasure. However, I plan to focus on being present, and open, and graceful, and forgiving, and loving, and nurturing, and everything they need me to be this Christmas and every day.

No amount of money, gifts or privileges will take your place. Your kids want your undivided attention and that is exactly what they will remember twenty years from now at the dinner table. Isn’t that what we really want? Give them the ultimate gift. YOU! Unfiltered you! 

Your kids want your undivided attention for Christmas. #1C13P

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If you, then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?
Matthew 7:11 

What can you do to be less “material” focused and more “relationship” focused as this Christmas approaches?

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Filed Under: Adoption, Home & Holidays, Relationships Tagged With: adoption, Christmas, Karla Marie Williams

Choosing Grace Over Control

November 13, 2014 By Tom Williams

Choosing Grace Over ControlThe message of God’s grace and love has had a profound effect on my life as a father.

I have been blessed with six great kids; four boys and two girls whom I love very much. Like most parents, I want the absolute best for them. I want God’s best for them. Yet in my pursuit for God’s best, I have occasionally stepped out of bounds in understanding my parental role.

I have learned to choose grace over control. 

The message of God’s grace and love has had a profound effect on my life as a father.

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At times, parenting can be watered down to behavior control. Through the guise of the do’s and don’ts we demanded of kids we’ve inadvertently become obsessed with what behaviors we can get from our kids. Instead, we should be more pressed in to what we can do for them in their thinking, reasoning, trusting, and believing.

It is reasonable for parents to expect their child to be respectful, reverent, and responsible. Many times the action plans, strategies, and tactics we implement and enforce have only provided the parent with a false sense of achievement. Things work perfectly until the child begins to express his curiosity and capacity for reasoning, then all our parental hubris begins to wane and tail spins out of control.

It can be all about control.

So… what do parents typically do to remedy their ego and their kid’s behavior? They impose tighter home policies and procedures. This will not improve the situation.

God’s Word very clearly states as His children we are no longer under the schoolmaster of the law, but under grace. He teaches us how to live a life of success and promise.

If God uses grace to teach me, I should be using this same grace to lead and guide my kids.

Grace will teach parents to be what they need to be for their children. This will prove to supersede and exceed all your expectations as a parent. Through grace flows God’s love. His Word tells us of the commandment that Jesus gave to His disciples and all Christians, “as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” 

Showing grace and love to our children is so much more important than our ability to control them.

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Grace is a gift that we have been freely given by God. Showing that grace and love to our children is so much more important than our ability to control them. It takes a paradigm shift to embrace a different way of parenting but it is very rewarding. For me it has been refreshing to approach parenting from God’s perspective instead of my own.

I am free and so are my children!

I chose grace over control.

“……as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.”
John 13:34

What experiences could you share about showing grace?

Tom Williams-BlogBy Thomas Williams
Husband to Karla
Dad of 6
1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Team Member
Speaker, Writer, and Advocate for Children

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Filed Under: Adoption, Just for Dad, Little Kids, Parenting, Teens, Toddlers, Tweens, Young Adults Tagged With: behavior, control, grace, obedience, Thomas Williams, Tom Williams

Trust Yourself!

October 16, 2014 By KarlaWilliams

Trust YourselfWhy are you so protective? Why can’t they stay the night at friend’s houses? Why do you homeschool? Why can’t they have sugar whenever they want? Why can’t they date? Why can’t he stay home alone?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

As a parent, have you ever had someone question your parenting choices? I have.

After adopting our first 3 children, I had a friend tell me, “Parenting an adopted child is no different than any other child.”

She could not have been more wrong.

Have you ever had someone question your parenting choices?

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Do this. Right now, drop what you are doing and go in the room where your biological child is and say to them, “I will be here in the morning when you wake up”, and then walk away. What would their reaction be? They would probably look at you really weird. If I were to do that right now with any one of my six children that we adopted, the reaction would be quite different. It would be a sigh of relief and a feeling of stress relieved.

Thus, I have to do things a little different than the average household to instill security and peace.

As parents through biology, foster care, or adoption, we all have decisions and boundaries we create to help our children thrive and our households run smoothly. Social media and television can make us second guess our decisions from day to day. You decide to use TIME OUT no sooner than someone tells you via a blog that TIME IN is the only way to go. Your family decides to become vegetarians only to see a media swarm of articles everywhere about not giving children all the nutrients they need to grow. Maybe you decide to homeschool and your family, friends, or even a reality show pokes fun and tells you your kids will be weird as a result.

STOP the MADNESS!!!!!!!

Turn off the TV. Sign off the Internet. Cut off your ringers. Don’t read another magazine, newspaper, or blog until you answer the following questions:

1)      What is the vision for your family?

2)      What are the values that your family holds dear?

3)      What standards of living will you not bend on?

4)      What environment do you want to create in your home?

5)      What is the relationship that you want with your spouse? Children?

I am a homeschooler, so I see every possible method, strategy, and philosophy known to man about homeschooling. It is easy to get side-tracked and think I am not doing it right or enough. Not one parent on the planet is perfect.

We do however have the insight, passion, and wisdom to choose what is best for our kids.

Trust yourself. Trust that you are on the right track. Trust that you will make needed changes when necessary. Put a halt to the frenzy of information that is keeping you up at night.

The choices you have made for your family have been as a result of the five things above. So many times we allow outside influences to dictate our worth and ability to make decisions for our families. What works for one family may not work for another. That is okay.

What works for one family may not work for another.

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So the next time you are evaluating a decision for your family & household, go back to the five things above. No matter what the experts say and no matter what they told you at the latest parenting seminar, trust yourself! Returning to these foundational questions will keep you right on target when the wind storm of media comes flying your way.

When we are trusting God to lead us in the direction we are to go, we have to focus on His leading and not everyone else’s. When we are tossed back and forth due to other’s opinions or advice it brings unrest, insecurity and a lack of peace in our home.

That is not faith.

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.
For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and
tossed.
James 1:6 KJV

What areas of your life or parenting have you allowed outside influences to intimidate or make you feel inadequate? How can you stand firm regardless of those influences (people, media, images)?

Karla-blogKarla Marie Williams
Wife to Thomas
Mom of 6
I Corinthians 13 Parenting Tam Member
Speaker, Writer & Advocate for Kids

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Filed Under: Adoption, Faith, Homeschool, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: adoption, decisions, faith, Karla Marie Williams, trust, uncertainty

Being Dad – Paying It Forward

August 15, 2014 By Tom Williams

Being Dad-There’s this phrase that has permeated trendy culture and stimulated the giving nature in people… it’s called, “paying it forward”.

If you’re not familiar with this cliché – a beneficiary of a good deed is not required to pay “back” the gesture received, but is requested to pay the deed forward. Kind of like – do for others as it was done for you. If taken seriously, the act of kindness, whatever it is, could become perpetual and take on a life of its own showing generosity and kindness to countless individuals and possibly generations. A great concept, so you may ask, what does this have to do with being a dad? Let me explain.

Earlier this year my wife and I discussed and decided how we were going to “do life” as a family. Seemingly, unfortunate circumstances happened to us as it does all families. Instead of relenting to opposition, we relished in the possibility of opportunity. We were finally positioned to take the home schooling of our children, family travel plans, and business/ministry to an adventurous level. Part of the framework in our “do life” plan of fun and flexibility was for me to become employed in a manner that would allow us to develop our aspirations. As we executed our plan, I’ve found myself engaged in home life unlike I’ve ever had before in our nine years of raising children. It wasn’t a bad situation, just new.

What I discovered in the process was that my children, all six of them, needed me in a way that none of us could have articulated. 

I discovered my children, all six of them, needed me in a way that none of us could have…

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As I integrated myself into the daily life of my children, there was this surge of expectation from them that required more of me.

Sure they wanted time with me, toys, trips, activities etc., but their desire for me went beyond the material. My children wanted the intangible things that would touch their heart and ignite their motivation and desire to be someone special.

They wanted my encouragement. Playing Legos became, “Dad do you think I can build buildings when I grow up?” Or watching HGTV, “Dad, I’m going to have a house in Paris and the United States”. The list could go on especially with six kids, but the lesson for me was to listen to the heart of my children and give them the confidence of possibility and hope for them as “grown-ups”.

Then… I realized, I was giving to them what was given to me by my father.

I was paying the hope and expectation of a good life forward.

I am what I am today because of what was given to me by my dad.

I don’t take likely the heritage of encouragement given to me.

This is my “it” that I’m paying forward. Encouragement. Possibility. What is yours?

And as you would wish that others would do to you, do so to them.  
Luke 6:31 ESV

Tom Williams-BlogBy Thomas Williams
Husband to Karla
Dad of 6
1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Team Member
Speaker, Writer, and Advocate for Children

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Filed Under: Adoption, Just for Dad, Parenting Tagged With: encouragemnt, paying it forward, Thomas Williams

No Time to Grieve

April 23, 2014 By KarlaWilliams

No Time to GrieveI was awaken by the sound and feeling of a loud POP! I knew what had just happened…AGAIN! Most pregnant women await that feeling and already have their bags packed for the hospital. The difference between me and them was that I was 4 months pregnant and this was my third unsuccessful pregnancy. With each miscarriage over the next nine years, seven in all, I died inside. I wanted to become a recluse and hide away in sorrow.

What was wrong with me? Why was it so easy for others to do something women have been doing for centuries?

We were ministers at a very fast paced ministry. Everything we went through was public knowledge. We were over many departments and had multiple responsibilities that kept us moving seven days a week. There was no time to grieve . No time to feel sorry for myself and no one to talk to.

After each miscarriage, I was encouraged by my leadership to jump back in within a week’s time and get on with business as usual. Never stopping to grieve. Never taking a moment to evaluate life.

It was a very painful time. I started to gain weight suppressing the pain. I went overboard to celebrate all those who were starting families. No one knew that I constantly cried. My husband didn’t know how to help. My faithfulness in the church began to waiver and dependability began to wane. The grief consumed my every thought and desperation to be a mom.

We built a new house and I designed a beautiful nursery that I sat in and cried for three years. Many years went by before I defiantly snatched back the time I felt robbed of to grieve. Fast forward eight years and six children (via adoption) later and I can say that I am happy. I was able to grieve the loss of my babies and gain perspective on God’s desire for my future as a mother. Becoming a mom to these six precious children who have experienced unspeakable trauma led to an advocacy for all children in need of families across the globe. I cannot imagine my life without them. I cannot imagine spending my time in any other way than to train and encourage parents who are raising kids who have experienced trauma. Giving voice to children in America and across the sea who have gotten lost between the cracks of society and become prey to those seeking crooked fortune. My passion is speaking up for them!

My 6 blessings were not meant to take the place of the seven I lost. Yes, I still cry. God gave me a mission that fills my heart to overflowing and dulls the pain significantly.  

As ministers of the gospel, Christian leaders, authors, and speakers, it is our responsibility to allow those around us to grieve.

Jesus wept with those who were grieving.

Having faith does not mean you are immune to emotion. It does not mean that you lack faith in God because you take a moment to grieve. Give them, and yourself, that gift and time. Sometimes a person needs to back up to move forward.

Grief always comes before renewed life!

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Psalm 30:5b (KJV)

Is there an area of your life or a time in your life that is unresolved? Does it keep you from being the wife, mother, or leader you want to be?

Karla-blogBy Karla Marie Williams
Wife to Tom
Mom of 6
1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Team Member
Speaker, Writer, and Advocate for Children in Need of Forever Families

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Adoption, Faith, Special Topics Tagged With: grief, grieve, Karla Marie Williams, ministry, miscarriage

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